School For Moms

The hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world.

Know where it has been; to learn it all?


Moms. They are powerful but they never show it. They are intelligent but they never know it. They are the ultimate in-charge, the one whose opinion is the one of the top-most priority for us, without us knowing. They are careless but, careful too; they are gullible but, stubborn too; they are meek but, even brave. Call her a radioactive superwoman and you can’t be more correct in describing them.


However, don’t you think it is a little weird how everybody describes their mom in rather similar words? If you think over it carefully, you will realize that your mom and all your friends’ mothers will end up sounding like the same person if you were to talk about them. They have the same responses and same set of statements, common for almost all the occasions. They use the same gestures, same tones and same volumes too. In fact, if you haven’t already noticed, the memes for moms are applicable for all the mothers of the world. Ever wondered why?

I will tell you why…

They all have been to a secret school, which they never tell us about. It is a special school for moms, which they all attend without telling a soul. I am guessing it is somewhere in Alaska or Antarctica. (I am only sure of the first letter and the last letters — and that it is covered in ice.) I guess they think it is really ‘cool’ or something. Now you know why all the moms start talking with each other as if they have known each other for years – because they have – they are only supposed to behave like strangers when they meet first: one of their codes of conduct.

The first thing they do while getting enrolled is sign a contract, saying:

“I hereby sign with my blood that I promise to remember, by heart, to follow all that I learn here and I will keep this entire part of my life a top-class secret which will be carried with me wherever I go right to the grave.”

Okay, I am making that up, but you get the general idea. That contract is why they are never allowed to speak about all that I am about to tell you.

They attend the school very secretly. They have to make sure that they are not missed at home. They also have to take care of hiding all their supplies and books and any possible sign that might let any stranger know about the existence of their school. They have scary penalties if they are found breaching the contract.

They have many lectures and classes for all the tiniest of things you can imagine. I only know about the few important ones (I had to flee for my life because I had been caught spying on these newly graduated moms who were talking about it). One of the most important of their classes is the Class of Denial where they learn to say the perfect ‘no’s. They have to practice the proper pronunciation, the appropriate expression and gesture along with the proper tone. They have a list of keywords to go along with their ‘no’s. They usually use those keywords when you ask ‘why?’ Someday, take time to notice how they use a ‘don’t-you-dare’ tone when they keep you from eating something sweet and a ‘I-know-better’ tone when they keep you from getting wet in the rains. It is not really your fault that you succumb and are forced to obey them. They have practiced it for probably a zillion times at the school. Don’t forget the other billion times when they must have used them during our childhood – and another million times when used on our dads. It is just the result of that age-old mantra, “Practice makes perfect.”


The other major subject they have is ‘White mailing’ – this is where they learn to manipulate us when they need our assistance or presence desperately. They use their sugar-sweet tone and ask us to do a favor, but all the while, their eyes flash at you screaming ‘dare you say “no” to me and you will repent it’ and you anyhow end up saying ‘yes’. They have chapters dedicated on manipulating you to accompany them to the market or to some party, to get you to work in the kitchen or to clean up the bathroom, to walk the dog and to water their roses. They have practical-assignments on this where they take turns into playing the kid – explains why they have a perfect retort to all your excuses. Right from our childhood they have forced us to do stuff which we never wanted to in the first place. I can give you hundreds of examples! Go back to your toddler years to your lunchtime; remember how she tricked you to eat stuff saying it was something else? If not that, she will use the ‘look, here goes the train into the tunnel…’ tactic. She made you take naps at all the wrong times of the day saying there was some devil or some witch out there. They make you buy their choice of clothes, but make you think it was yours, make you go out to play when they have their friends coming over while you somehow end up thinking it was your will, and many more instances.


The final most important lecture they have is a very unexpected one. It is the drama class. The best of the actors are called to teach our moms the perfect acting skills to help them all throughout their life. These skills help them to pull-off many expressions wordlessly – like the ‘eat with your right hand’ expression or the ‘get water for the guests’ expression or the ‘don’t even think about lying’ expression or the ‘I am taking no shit’ expression and many more. They learn to maintain their poker-face during all those important times – during those times when they are pissed off, but they don’t let you know or when they want to laugh at something funny you say, but they don’t out of the fear of discouraging you or when out of childish innocence you give them a blunt comment about that hideous dress they are wearing and they quietly walk back in their room to change. Oh, and don’t forget all those times where they show happiness in spite of that cranky back-pain; they smile at your new drawing, but they really want to sleep because they have some important task in the morning; they feign innocence when they say they know nothing about that chocolate in the deep freeze because you just had a dental appointment the previous day – if you decide to observe them, you will be astounded by those skills and how flawless they are.


These, along with all the other little details like diaper-changing techniques, best-nutrition formula for your kids, the top 5 easy ways to encourage your little one and all other normal-sounding stuff; make up their curriculum which they cover in nine (or sometimes less) months and they get a certificate to treasure, which proudly declares that they are fit to become mothers and raise kid/s from thereon. (They, of course, don’t get to flaunt it.) So, obviously, when they all share their teachers and textbooks and lessons, they are bound to act similarly (– and that proves that my research is right.) Isn’t that why we all love them the best? Why every kid says, “My mom is the best mom in this world…” ?


Don’t believe me? Try telling your mom that you know her big secret. I will tell you what she will do. She will put on either the poker-face expression or the ‘you are going crazy’ look. Then she will use a perfect tone and deny your accusation – most surely with a laugh. She might even ask where you got this ‘bizarre’ idea from. When you tell her the truth, she might answer with another ringing, innocent laugh and wave it off, but mentally she will think of ways to let the school know that their secret is out and they will all get together to find the culprit who spread this information. Which, if they ask, I never told you, okay?


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